


Shoelaces

by Talk_me_down



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Harry Styles - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, One direction AU, Other, Symbolism, Transgender, female to male, larry stylinson - Freeform, lgtbq, shoelaces
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-05-29 12:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6374206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talk_me_down/pseuds/Talk_me_down
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyday Sophie goes through life wishing to be someone else. Slowly she starts to become he, and Sophie starts to become Louis. All that's needed now is a green eyed boy for the final push.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sophie's POV:   
The alarm going off beside me is nothing compared to the pounding in my head. The sweat pants that cling to my body are getting hot and the tank top makes my arms cold. I wish I didn't have this stupid female body, wish I didn't have to be Sophie. Everything about my room makes me want to puke. The purple walls, the flowery bedspread. With my bed sat in the middle of my room and my phone going off from all the way on my vanity, I finally stand up. Another day where I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I run a hand over my face and catch glimpse of the purple nails my mom made me paint. She says I have to be feminine, that I have to keep my hair long and wear dresses and skirts. I cross my room and shut off the alarm while looking into the mirror. My boobs are too big and my waist is too small. My butt too, it's all so girly. Tears well in my eyes and I wish that my mom would understand. I wish she could understand what it's like to not fit into your body, to crave to be someone else. I wish she understood that even though I was born a Sophie, on the inside I'm Louis Tomlinson, not Sophie Tomlinson. 

My phone beeps once, then twice. It's my friend Sophia. I remember befriending her because she came up and introduced herself and she laughed because we have almost the same name. Ever since that day in first grade we've been the best of friends. My phone buzzes again and it's Sophia, sending me another snapchat. I let out a small laugh and open them up. I sniffle and wipe away the a small tear as I straighten my back and open them up. They're videos of her puppy prancing around and one of her falling off the couch. I laugh and snap her back a selfie with the caption #iwokeuplikethis before putting on music and setting my phone down. I turn around to face my closet and all I see are dresses girly clothes my mother has filled my closet with. Then I look at my dresser right beside my closet directly at the bottom drawer. That's where a few of the 'boy' clothes are, the ones I got my other friend Niall to buy for me. I'm tempted to put on a pair of skinny jeans from there and a button up but I know my mother would disapprove. I sigh and tread over to my closet and with sad eyes glance over my clothes. I end up picking out a body hugging gray dress and throwing a red plaid shirt on as well. The shirt hides my figure enough, screw what my mom says about 'feminine physique'. 

I put the dress on and pulled on navy thigh high socks. I wanted to be done but I know my mother would never let me leave just like this. So I walk back over to the vanity and put on mascara and eyeliner, then quickly curl my hair. I stare into my own crystal blue eyes then draw them down to my sharp cheekbones and thin lips. My cheekbones are one of the things I like about my body, along with my eyes. I pull back from the mirror and head downstairs. Sophia is already waiting for me in the car outside and I pass my mother, nodding to her as I leave. 

    Once I get to school and out of the car I can feel a pair of eyes on myself. It's Zayn, the walking sex on legs hot-and-mysterious poet. He's in the fucking poetry club, something I didn't know we had until Sophia pointed it out. Sophia's my only super close girl friend. Of course I have many but Sophia and Niall are the ones I hang out with the most. I grab my binder from my best friends car and head into the school. It's a short walk to the second floor and to my first class, drama. 

    Zayn is also in this class, and I find the fact that he's been inching closer to me every day a little creepy. It's also endearing though, somebody actually likes me. And it's THE Zayn Malik, only the hottest guy around. But today I feel another pair of eyes on me. I'm sat in the middle of the class to start, Zayn beside me two rows over to the right, beside the window. I turn around and lock eyes with a green eyed curly haired lad. He looks at me with a sort of... Knowing aspect. It's as if he knows what's going on in my life. He knows my deepest secrets and his gaze burns into my own eyes. My mouth parts and I'm captured in his gaze for a while longer, my eyes catching glimpse of his furrowed eyebrows and clenching jaw. I finally pull away when a presence stands beside my desk. 

    "Hey Sophie... I was just wondering if you... Never mind, it's stupid. Just forget it" it was Zayn. He was stood in front of my desk now, and as he spoke I could see his nervousness. He quickly walked away and I was left in a cloud of confusion for the rest of class. 

At lunch I sit outside with my friends. It's one of those days where the sun is shining and the grass isn't wet for once. Now that I think about it, almost everyone is outside. How lovely. I tilt my head back and let my curls fall over my shoulders and the sun warm up my face. What a lovely day. I can hear Sophia talking but it's takes me a moment and a tap on the knee to realize she's talking to me. I open my eyes and mutter 'sorry' but she just shakes her head and speaks. 

"Don't worry about it. Just wanted to say that Zayn is looking at you again. Also the cute one with curly hair. What's his name again?" She turns to Eleanor beside her. Eleanor answers back. 

"His name is Harry! He's in my physics class." She sounds excited. Bleh. I really like her but she needs to tone it down with the guys. Eleanor just got out of a three month relationship and she's already looking for more. 

"Harry, yeah well he's a little creepy don't you think? He's been looking at you for a while now." 

"Sophia if you count that as creepy then Zayn is the biggest creep of them all. Every boy in this school is a creep then. Tone it down." 

"I suppose you have a point, but it's still Zayn Malik. How can you not like him?" I suppose she does have a point. Zayn is by far the hottest guy here, no doubt about that. His eyes are like honey and his jaw can cut steel. Plus he's on the football team. Which of course means going to his games and watching him take his shirt off after the games over. But he is so shy. None of us get it, but I suppose that's how it works. Anyways, I'm not going to go up to him and ask him on a date. If he wants some of this, he'll have to come to me. 

"Oooh, she's totally thinking about him!" Sophia stage whispers to Eleanor who giggles. I pick up a fistful of grass and throw it at them. 

"Oh suck a dick you guys!" I yell and fall back into the grass. What a day it has been. 

~~~~~~  
It's finally the end of the day and as I stand in front of my locker I feel a presence walk up beside me. My breath hitches when I notice it's that boy that's been watching me all day. Was his name Harry? I think so. All he does surprisingly is stand there and look at the floor. Or is it my shoes? I find the answer out quickly. 

"Your shoelaces... Are a different colour today." His voice is slow and raspy, deeper than I would've thought. My mind goes blank for a second but I stumble out a reply. 

"Ahh, yes. They are. I have a habit for changing them." I let out a chuckle. 

"Why do you change them so much?" He says and looks at me with the same gaze he had this morning. I sigh and look back into my locker, grabbing my binder and my lock. 

"Because it's the only thing I can change." I say sadly and turn back to him. We look at each other for a moment. 

"Why is tha-" he begins but I cut him off. 

"Nothing, it doesn't mean anything. Now if you'll excuse me," I put my lock on my locker "I have to go." I side step away from him. "Goodbye..." I pause. 

"Harry"

"Right, goodbye Harry." 

~~~~~~  
That night I sit at the table pushing my peas around once again. Mom is still at work, siblings God knows where. I keep thinking back to that conversation with Harry. Does he know anything about me? I've never told anyone about wanting to transition but my mom. No, he doesn't know, he can't know. A sudden panic overtakes me and I push the plate away, only it slides off the table and onto the floor. Tears prick my eyes. My life feels like it's shattering just like that plate. I wipe my stupid tears away and clean up the mess. Another night alone, I guess.


	2. Eyes

Sophie's POV:  
"Sophia you fricken Libra. Listen to me." A week before my best friends birthday party that we're supposed to be planning, and she's fawning over a guy. 

"No you don't understand! He's a really cute bloke. Even you can't deny it!" This lady is frustrating me. I pinch the bridge of my nose and pace around the room. Calm, I can be calm right? Right. 

"Who even is this guy! All you've told me is that he's 'extremely hot and extremely nice.' What does that even mean?" I quit pacing and glare at the floor. Her birthday party isn't going to work if all she has is a punch bowl and shitty decorations. Why won't she work with me!?

"His name is Liam. Liam Payne." I can hear the smile in her voice. I sigh. 

"You mean that dude that's best friends with Zayn? Pretty sure he's gay." Sophia gasps. Did I just crush her dreams? Oh well.

"How would you know? He hasn't said anything." She sounds hurt now. I can't tell her about the time I saw him snogging Niall Horan at the back of the school. Or the time I almost walked in on Jack Nickleson giving him a blowjob. No, instead I correct myself. 

"You know what, maybe I'm wrong. Let's invite him to the party. Him and Zayn. Whoever you want." I sit down beside her on my bed. "Maybe you can get some, yeah?" This has her laughing and falling backwards onto my bed. Definitely the right words.

"Okay, that sounds good, yeah. Let's get this done WITHOUT getting distracted. Let's go." I smile and ruffle her hair. 

"Okay c'mon loser, let's get some invitations out. Liam first." I say and she stands up nodding vigorously, and goes over to my dresser where I've piled the invitations. As Sophia grins at me and carries them over, I can't help but wonder if Harry will be there.

~~~~~~  
After all the invitations were made we collapsed onto my bed. Sophia looks in my eyes and I can see the happiness radiating off of her. As we lay, looking at each other, I feel a pang of guilt. She's my best friend, she knows everything but that one thing. It's eating me alive to know that I'm keeping my biggest secret from her. The smile falls off my face and her eyes flash in concern. She quickly sits up and pulls me into a hug. When did I start crying? I hold on to her for dear life and all she does is shush me. I know what she's doing, she's waiting for me to speak. I steady myself and take a stab at it.

    "Sophia I-I'm so sorry." I stutter out. Confusion clouds her face and she grips on to me tighter. 

    "Sorry about what, love? C'mon now, speak to me." I bury my head into her shoulder and speak again. 

    "I should have told you before but-but I don't know. I'm so horrible." 

    "Hey, you aren't horrible. Tell me, what's got you so panicked?" She pulls my head away from her and brushes the hair away from my face. She looks into my eyes with so much trust and I know I can't keep it in any longer. 

    "Everyday I wake up, and I stare at myself in the mirror. I look at my body and say, this isn't mine, I don't belong in this. I don't feel like a girl, I shouldn't be a girl. Yet I am. And I hate it. I hate how I can't change it because of my stupid mother. All I want to be is Louis Tomlinson. Is that so wrong?" Sophia starts crying in the middle of my confession. She pulls my close to her and sticks her face my hair. She shakes her head at me. 

    "No, that's not wrong at all. You are so brave, love. And I'm so happy you told me. You know, you're no less for being who you are. You are perfectly fine. And I'll be with you every step of the way." She speaks back to me and honestly, those are the best words she could have said. We stare each other in the eye for a few more seconds and collapse back on the bed. What a perfect Saturday night. 

~~~~~~  
As Monday rolls around once again I get up and yawn. The daily snapchat from Sophia rolls in and I open it up. Instead of her puppy it's herself, telling me to wear something that's not a skirt or a dress. She snaps me again, saying 'I love you, Lou' and a big smile spreads across my face. I'm so glad I have a best friend like Sophia. 

I brave myself to open the bottom drawer of my dresser, and when I do I let out a breath of relief. I pick out a darker blue button up and a pair of black skinny jeans. Since they're meant for male bodies the clothes fit looser, but it feels right. I opt for my hair in a bun and only mascara. Baby steps. 

With the free time I have left I snap Sophia my outfit and she replies with a thumbs up. I look down at my black vans with the blue shoelaces and I decide to change them once again. So now I'm sat here, my small bucket filled with about 50 different colours of laces. I can't decide which colour to pick until I see an emerald green pair. Just like those boys eyes. I pull them out and unravel them, beginning to lace them into the holes of my shoes. Once that's done I push the box back into the closet and carry the shoes downstairs. I don't get how in America they wear their shoes all the time. Don't they get uncomfortable? Wouldn't their floors get super dirty? Guess I'll never know. I slip on my shoes and run out the door. 

I get to school and see Niall with the biggest grin on his face. 

    "Hey dude, you look great. Glad to see you not wearing a dress. Got some news for you." I smile at Niall. He doesn't know the full story, I only told him not to call me she or her and asked him to buy me some male clothes. He does however, know how stuck up my mother is about this sort of thing. I accept his compliment and reply back to him. 

    "Yes, my dearest bro-friend?" I ask and sling an arm over his shoulder. He leans into me and with a dramatic sigh tells me all about his weekend. 

    "Well, my love. Your favourite pansexual almost shagged Liam Payne. Almost! And oh dear I wish I had. But he said he had to go hang out with Zayn last second. So tragic, I know! Then I met this girl, and oh boy, she was a wild ride." Oh Niall, my favourite person in the world. Telling me all about his sexcapades. I shake my head and as I'm replying back I remember Sophia's words. I take him by the shoulders and look him deep in the eyes.

    "Niall. Buddy. Bro-pal. Amigo. Listen to me." He gets serious-is he ever serious. "Sophia likes Liam. You can not tell her he's gay. No. No way. Got it." And oh boy, does he ever look like a kid in a candy shop. He nods his head so hard I'm afraid he'll break his neck. 

    "A secret!! I can keep it, I can keep it. Okay, matter over. See? I can keep it. Anyways, let me tell you about this girl I was with..." He throws his arm over me once again and walks me to my locker, explaining his wild adventures over the weekend. "And then she pulled out jam. Jam!" I bark out a laugh and he finishes his story before letting me off to class, promising to catch up at lunch. I wave him off, a stupid grin on my face as I sit down to text Sophia. Mornings with Niall are always the funniest. 

Me: hey Soph, get Ni to tell u about his weekend. It involves jam 

Sophia: omg what

I leave it at that as the bell rings for class to start and I open my binder to my period one section. There's a page where I've started a little doodle on, and I continue drawing. The rest of that class flies by no sweat. The bell rings and I stand up, picking up the closed binder and head out of class. Off to the next. 

 

A presence beside me. I look up for a brief second and notice it's Harry. Must be follow me around so much? He opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it. We walk side by side and I finally notice how tall he is. Since when was he 6'2? He can't be that much taller than me right? I am 5'9, I'm pretty tall.  He nods to me and turns the corner on the left, leaving me to enter my class on the right.

~~~~~~ 

Lunch comes fast due to Niall's snapchats containing nothing but Zayn and Liam with various suggestive emojis. I stand at my locker and raise my phone to take a selfie. As I'm pulling a weird face I don't notice Harry in the back until I pull the phone down. He's looking to his right and you can see the outline of his jaw. Harry's hair doesn't quite meet his shoulders but it's thick and curly. And yeah, maybe I saved that photo. But who has to know, really? I send it to Niall anyways. Harry stands beside me again as I pull out my lunch for today. 

    "I like your shoelaces. They're different again." I smile down at my shoes. He noticed.

    "Yeah, they are. Good day I suppose. Getting to change." I leave that with open interpretation, but instead of asking the meaning he decides to comment on my clothes.

    "You look a lot more comfortable in those clothes. I'm glad. They suit you better, make you less tense." The smile falls off of my face. The hell is he talking about? I look down at my clothes and back up at him. Less tense, more comfortable. Seeing as I don't know how to reply, I do what I'm best at. I run from the situation.

    "Um, yeah... Listen, I've got to go. See you." I bid him farewell and head off to the concourse where my friends are sat. I feel Harry following behind me but I don't let it faze me. I can't let it faze me. My mind clears of the emerald boy behind me when I spot Zayn. I run up to him and tap his shoulder.

    "Hey Zayn! I wanted to give you this." I pull out one of Sophia's invitations from her bag with the name 'Zayn' plastered on the front of it. "Are you going to come to Sophia's birthday party? It's next weekend. October first." At first he's shocked. Why would he be? Nonetheless he accepts the card and smiles.

    "I'll see what I can do. Thanks Sophie." He smiles back at me and I bid him farewell. As I start off I notice Liam standing there too.

    "Oh! Liam, there's an invitation for you too, but you'll have to see Sophia for it." He looks confused but nods anyways. I wave to the both of them and carry on to my friends.

~~~~~~

    "Niall! Stop oh my gosh." He's currently tickling me because I took his crisps. Why the fuck would he tickle me over that?

    "Give them back ya monster!" He shouts. People turn their heads until they notice it's only Niall. No big deal.

    "Okay okay fine! Here you go, you turd." I throw them at him and we laugh it off. Sophia, Niall, and I are all laughing when I notice a certain tall lad out of the corner of my eye. He looks like he wants to come over here. I would make a move to invite him but decide against it. I don't know him well enough, we aren't even friends. Sophia catches me staring me and I know she wants to ask. I speak first.

    "Hey that Harry bloke, has he been here long?" And a smirk comes over Sophia's face but she doesn't answer. This is Niall's area of expertise.

    "Actually, yes. Which is funny how we never noticed because he is sooo good looking. Here's what happened. He was here in our freshman year and partial sophomore year, then left. He finally came back this year. Only now he sticks to himself. All of this is true, I swear by it. Even have a photo of him in freshman year." Before we can even ask to see the photo he pulls out his phone and opens up his camera roll. Sure enough, it's Harry only younger, curls down to his ears and the biggest smile on his face. I have to admit, it's pretty cute. I nod and lean back.

    "That's pretty interesting. Wonder where he ran off to for one and a half years. Odd." Niall nods his head again.

    "Yeah and that's the craziest part! No one knows, but there have been rumours that he had to be taken out of his home, if you know what I'm saying." He leans back and I definitely know what he's saying. There's a reason my dad isn't around anymore. We finish up our lunch and head off to our next class.

~~~~~~

    Harry doesn't bug me for the rest of the day, and neither does Zayn really. No one does, so during the work period I slip on headphones and put on my playlist labeled 'Edge.' It's a nice one, filled with bad ass indie singers and they all sound so cool. All in all, a very productive period. I finish up at school and walk home.

    The house is empty when I get home, or at least I think it is. I head upstairs and my mother is standing in front of my door. Definitely not empty. Her hand is on the doorknob and she looks surprised to see me. I don't know why until I realize what I'm wearing. Oh, okay. I brace myself for the hit.

    "Sophia, what are you wearing." I get ready for plan B, already pulling a stained dress from my purse.

     "I just stained my dress at school, mom. Niall was the only person I could find at the time, this is what he gave me." I said to her and I knew she didn't believe me.

   

    "I don't believe that for a second. I saw you leave in that shirt. At first I thought it was only your jean dress. Guess I was wrong." I look down at the floor.

    "Mom I'm sorry if this makes me feel comfortable." More comfortable, less tense. That's what Harry said right? Can't be too bad if others notice a change.

    "I don't care how it makes you feel. Your name is Sophia, you are a girl. Go to your room now, I don't want to see you tonight." That's all she says before heading to her own room. Another night alone for me, another night crying myself to sleep. Better get started now.


	3. Lips

Sophia's POV:  
When I wake up, my mother is standing above me. I slowly blink away the sleep from my eyes and I go to pull off the covers. Before I do I notice that I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes. Nice, good job me for changing. I sink back into my bed and wait for my mom to speak. 

"I... I'm sorry for yesterday. It's just hard without your father." She finally breathes out and sits on the edge of my bed. I nod my head. She's pulled the dad card multiple times so I'm really not surprised she did it again. I answer her back anyways.

"You're a better person without him." She nods.

"Maybe so, but it's still hard. I don't know how to act now." That's true. She's been through a lot, always taking the brunt of his words. I smile up at her. 

"I know mom, it's tough. For me and you both. I'll try my best to be good but you need to try too. Please try to accept me mom, it'll help us both. Promise?" I whisper out the last part but it gets my point across. My mother looks at me and smiles, really smiles. It's nice, our own little moment.

"I will baby, and I am getting better. The-the psychologist is helping me see what he did, how he controlled this family. Cooperate with me, I'm learning." I can understand that. I nod my head and she stands up from my bed, walking over to the window and pushing the curtains aside. "It's raining today, wear some leggings or something." She leaves and I mutter out a 'yes' and push myself out of bed and get ready to take a shower. Once that's said and done I pull out a pair of black leggings, the one with mesh on the legs and I pull them on my legs and over my booty. I pull on a green Adidas hoodie and put on some makeup, for my mothers sake. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, fill my brows in. As I get to my lips I touch them for a second. Mine are so thin, the bottom lip fuller than the top. I look down at my collection of lipsticks. If there is one thing I love about being a girl, it's wearing makeup without being criticized. Especially lipstick. I card through my sizeable collection and go with a dark matte red. It lays with my green sweater nicely and it reminds me of Christmas. Oh shit, Christmas is coming up soon. So is my birthday. 19 here I come. First off though, we have to get through Sophia's 18th. One thing at a time.

Thank the heavens Sophia picks me up, because I most definitely do not want to walk to school and end up soaked. As I enter her car she greets me. 

"Hey girl! Nice outfit. Especially loving the lipstick." I wince. 

"Please don't use girl." She looks guilty all of a sudden. 

"I am so sorry! It just slipped out. Oh my gosh I am such an idiot. I am so so sorry." A small smile falls across my face.

"Hey, it's alright. Don't worry about it too hard." She nods, looks determined now. We turn into the parking lot at school. It's not like I don't have my license, because I do, it's just that I don't have a car. I've been saving up for a while now, but it's hard to find a car for cheap. Scratch that-it's hard to find a good, working car for cheap. 

Once again as I enter the school I am attacked by Niall and all of his glory. He giggles, fucking giggles, and I just know he has some gossip. Count on Niall to know what's going on the second it's going on. Honestly though, he's the only one I can stand gossip from. Niall would never open his mouth to bad mouth someone unless he knew the whole truth. Doesn't mean he doesn't relay the information to us whenever something does happen, it just means he doesn't jump to conclusions. Good man, this one is. 

"There's a rumour going around." He says in a sing song voice. If he's not looking horrible, then it can't be that bad, right? "So here's what's going on. I was talking to Liam earlier because he considers us good friends. Weird right? Anyways, I was talking to him and he said that a few girls were talking to Zayn about him getting a girlfriend. He got really shy and quiet and said 'not yet.' I guess they took it as he was going to ask someone out soon. Like really soon. And they also say that that someone could be you, Sophie." We were stopped about five feet from my locker and shock overtook my face. I could see Harry stand there but payed no mind to it.

"Me? He might ask me?" Niall nods his head and Sophia squeals. I'm still in shock but I force myself to keep moving to my locker. 

"Sophie! This could be your chance to get some ass! Hot ass to be specific." She's so excited, bless her soul.

"Doubt it, honestly." I laugh. Both of my friends look at me with disbelief. Sophia goes to speak but Niall beats her to it. 

"You are like, so hot. Trust me hun. Do you not notice the guys that stare at you? Even some of the girls. I mean, with an ass like that you can have anyone." I shake my head. 

"Thanks guys, but I don't want anyone. Don't you guys have to go to your lockers?" As soon as I say that Niall almost yells and Sophia says 'oh shit.' I pull out my phone. "You have ten minutes. Get your butts moving." They agree and rush off, presumably to their lockers. I am suddenly blissfully aware that Harry was listening in on the conversation. I'm locking up my locker when he speaks. 

"What was that about?" I shake my head and purse my lips. 

"A rumour that Zayn is going to ask someone out, possibly me. I honestly have no desire for a relationship. Zayn is a sweet guy and all but I'm lovin up the single life. You feel me?" I turn to him. Why is talking to this boy so easy? It's like we've been friends for years when in reality I only properly met him last week. Five days ago to be exact. He nods and replies back, both of us walking to our first class, drama. 

"Yeah I know what you mean. I've been single for a very long time." We both chuckle. "Yeah.. Never even had my first kiss..." He trails off, but I raise my eyebrows. He notices this and quickly changes the subject. "Anyways, nice sweater. I was going to get it actually but I bought these instead." He lifts up his binder and flashes the rings on his fingers. A light smile spreads across his face and he puts his hand down. "Yeah, obviously you can see where my priorities lie, in jewelry instead of clothing." I laugh at that. "Hey, you do know what your friends said before is true, your ass is quite a notable one. I mean that in the most platonic, not creepy way possible." I groan but it's not the comment but in the fact that that's what people notice about me. Not my charming personality or my loving ways, but my ass. Guess I better flaunt what I've got, right? 

"Thanks, I guess. I always say it's way too big but what do I know right?" I pause for a second as we round the corner and approach the classroom. "Oh, by the way. My friend Sophia is having a birthday party this weekend, it'll be on Saturday. Would maybe want to come?" His eyes light up and the smile is priceless.

"Do I get one of those fancy invitations I've been seeing? It seems as if half the senior year got one. If I can get one I'll come for sure." I laugh at his reasoning. 

"Sure Harry, I'll see what I can do for you." We enter the classroom and I see Zayn at the back of the class sitting down and writing in his notebook. Poetry probably. For a second I debate going over there, but I decide against it. Instead I settle down in my usual desk and open up my binder. Harry sits at the back once again, the relaxed look gone and a poker face on. Tragic, he looks better when he smiles. 

The rest of the day flies by for me without Zayn-or anybody else- asking me out. It's almost a bit of a relief. I don't like rejecting people, it makes me feel like a horrible person. I just can't do it. Somehow though, I have a feeling that this won't end well on Zayn's part. I hope and pray to god that that isn't the case. I hope all ends well for him, because he really deserves it. 

Surprisingly Niall wanted to hang out with me tonight. He's not out and about with someone else. We still hang out often, it just usually I ask. So when he came up to me and offered to buy me supper I couldn't refuse. I quickly texted my mother after school and left with Niall. I only talked to Harry for a brief minute at the end of the day, and that was only a promise to bring him his fancy invitation. As soon as Niall and I walk away from Harry his curiosity gets the best of him. 

"So, Harry huh? Never thought you'd be the one to talk to him. Honestly was kind of rooting for you and Zayn." He sighs dramatically. The Irish lad beside me is looking to me for answers and I reply. 

"Honestly dude, I'm not going after anyone. Harry just started showing up to my locker so I started talking to him. Shit happens man. You can still root for Zayn you know." Niall almost smiles but gives me a knowing look. He knows there's more to the story, and he presses for it. 

"Are you sure there's not more you aren't telling me? There's got to something other than 'he showed up to my locker so we started talking' people saw you know. Oh my gosh. What if they did that thing like they did with twilight." And in his best teen heart throb voice "are you team Harry, the charming mysterious lad with green eyes? Or are you team Zayn, the shy and gentle poet? Not to mention, Zayn plays footie. Footie! I am for sure team Zayn." I run a hand over my face. 

"Niall, I swear to god, if you make that a thing I will punch you in the dick so hard you won't be able to walk." I take a moment. "I'll tell you the full story, c'mon. Where are we going for this free food you promised me?" I finish off strong, giving him a big smile as he remembered be offered to buy my supper. The rest of the night is spent with Niall and a large fry, me filling him in on everything, not leaving out my wanting to transition.


	4. Face

Okay a small request that you listen to 'Fool for you' during this chapter because i have a problem and this chapter is mainly based off of that song okay, okay let's gooooooo. 

Sophie's POV:   
I head out the door quickly this morning, and to be honest, I'm excited to talk to Harry. He's so easy to talk to and we've clicked right away. I'm still scared though, scared about what'll happen if we keep talking and scared that he'll suddenly leave me. I don't do well with people walking out of my life, yet I seem to leave far too often. 

As I set my walk in a faster pace and clutch the invitation in my hand, I suddenly get very excited about the upcoming weekend. Only two more days until Sophia's party. My best friend is finally turning 18. Everyone will be there, it'll be perfect. I squeal as I see Sophia and run over to her in my black Vans. I left the shoelaces green, they seem to match my life right now. 

     "Hey! You did say it was alright for me to invite Harry, right? Please?" I smile and look at her hopeful. She gives me a wild look in return. 

     "Of course! I'm so exited I don't even care who comes anymore, except for my ex. He's not coming." She's referring to Alex. Alex with brown hair and a perfect jaw, Alex who could have any girl and picked Sophia, Alex who is a dirtbag and cheated on Sophia. He is definitely not coming. 

     "Of course he's not going to be coming, don't worry. We blacklisted him remember? And even if he does show up, I'll kick his ass." She rolled her eyes and we started walking. 

     "Lou you play soccer, you don't fight. Honestly what are you gonna do, kick a ball at his face?" Now I'm laughing. 

     "Yes!! That's exactly what I'm going to do, how did you know?" I give her the biggest smile ever and she looks at me like I'm a god damn idiot. Whatever, it's all for fun anyways. 

     We approach my locker and I stop at it, stretching and letting my shirt rise up a tiny bit. I pull my arms back down and unlock my locker, humming as I grab my binder. The usual presence beside me makes me smile. I hear his rings clink together as he ruffles his hands through his hair and I turn to him.  

    "Hello Harry. Here, this is for you." I turn back to my locker and grab the envelope. As I hand it to him he smiles. What a nice smile he's got. I swear that as I look to Harry his face lights up like a little kids on Christmas. 

     "Oh my gosh! Thank you so much. I'm actually kind of excited. Never been invited to a party before..." He trails off at the end. When I look to his face I can see that there's something else. Now isn't the time now, I don't want to set him in a bad mood. So instead I give him my best smile. 

     "That's alright, now you've got us! C'mon now, let's get to class." Harry agrees with me and we head off to first period. Upon entering the class room I greet Zayn and he says hello back. I give him a smile and sit down in my usual spot. Soon enough class starts and I do my best to focus but it gets boring. Really boring. So I start to doodle on page instead. That keeps me busy until the bell rings. I sit up and stretch again, ready to go home. That's all I want right now. Sleep and my bed. 

     I trudge through the rest of the day like that. Class to class. Harry follows along side me, and sometimes Zayn. The comfort of people is nice, no matter how much I want to leave. Thursday's are boring. 

     Finally time to walk home! I threw my hair up sometime during the day but it falls down as I run out of the school. Just as I'm walking down the sidewalk a car pulls up beside me. I start to walk faster but they call out to me. It's only Zayn. A wash of relief comes over me and I walk over to the car and look in. It's surprising clean, well done. 

     "Hey Soph, do you need a ride home at all? I can drive you." Zayn gives me a warm smile and I nod. He's so nice, honestly. He waits as I head around the car and into the passengers seat beside him. 

     "Thanks for this, I don't know what I'd do without you." He smiles and nods. 

     "It's no big deal, really. Couldn't let you walk home now, could I?" 

     "Guess not, I probably would've collapsed on the way home. I am so tired. Take a left here." He does 

    "You really do look tired, did in class too. Not that I was staring or anything! Erm, sorry." 

     "Haha, don't worry about it man. But yeah I was pretty tired. I am pretty tired. I'm gonna take a nap I think." 

     "That sounds like a good plan. Which house is yours?" I look at the numbers. 362, 364, 368... 

     "Right here, 370." He pulls over to the curb and I climb out. 

    "Thanks again. Hey are you coming on Saturday?" It takes him a second to remember but it clicks in his head. 

     "Yes, I am! See you tomorrow I guess." I nod at him and head off. He's so nice, I hope he finds someone that treats him right. I could never be the girl he'd want. Hell, I can't even be the girl I want. Besides that, I've got homework and leftover pizza calling my name. 

~~~~~~  
    Finally it's the day of the party. I had my outfit picked out days before this, a pair of dark skinnies and a plaid shirt over a black tank top. When I get to Sophia's house I grab one of her snapbacks and put it on backwards as well. It's green and it matches my shoelaces. The same ones I haven't changed since that first day. Sophia and I start setting up, getting drinks and decorations and snacks. Soon enough people start piling in one by one and the music gets turned up. It's going to be a good night, that's for sure. 

I crank up Sophia's current favourite tune, House Party, and step around the kitchen island to start pouring drinks. I sway along to the music and a big smile spreads across my face as I'm pouring beer into my red solo cup. As I look up I see Zayn wandering over here but the man behind him is taller. Harry side steps Zayn and walks over to me, leaving Zayn with a sad look. I barely notice Zayn with tears in his eyes as Harry walks into my field of view. He's wearing a snapback the same as me, but his is blue. His clothes are all black, tshirt and skinnies. I flash him a smile and offer him my cup of beer. He's almost pondering it for a moment before he takes it. He doesn't drink though, just holds. I get my self another drink and speak to him. 

"Hey you, fancy seeing you here." He nods back to me. 

"You as well. You look straight out of a frat house." I bark out a laugh over the music. 

"You're the one to talk, you look like all you need is a plaid shirt to complete the look. Oh my gosh, here." I set my cup down beside me and shrug off my overly big flannel. I hand it over to him and Harry gives me a look of disbelief. 

"This isn't gonna fit me." He shakes his head but takes it anyways. 

"Then don't button it up. Don't complain before you try it." As Harry sets his cup down and pulls the shirt over his shoulders, I see Zayn sulking in the corner. I give him sad eyes and turn my gaze back to Harry. "Well then, do a little turn for us." He does, putting on a big grin and twirling around. I clap for him and whistle out. A few girls and even a couple guys take notice at the way the shirt stretches over his back and the way he shines with happiness. Slowly a girl creeps toward us and I clap him on the back. 

"Alright buddy, I'll see you in a bit, gotta go check up on Soph. Have fun making friends." I wink at the girl coming closer and then nod to Harry. My intention was to go and talk to Zayn but I notice now that he isn't here. I hum to the song playing now, the song Royals blaring through the speaker. I'm about to round a corner when I hear sobbing and Zayn speaking. I really shouldn't stay, but I stand around the corner anyways. I lean against the wall just in time to hear Zayn speak. 

"L-Liam, I really thought I could be with her. I, I just tried so hard. But she loves him. Liam she loves Harry. I'm a fuckin fool." Zayn sounds so heartbroken. I don't love Harry, I've only met him a week ago. Yeah he's easy to talk to and we get along but it isn't love. 

"Shh babe, there's nothing you can do about it. C'mere." Liam beckons to Zayn. I hear a ruffle of clothes, I think they're hugging. "Zayn, can I- can I try something?" And Zayn must've nodded his head or something because they both stop speaking, and I wonder what's happening. I'm about to peek around the corner when I hear a thud against the wall and one of them let out a breathy moan. Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT. I was definitely not supposed to hear that. I creep away and practically run outside. Taking a big breath of air and pacing around the front lawn. 

"Shit, okay shit. Alright. Calm. None of that happened..." I stop and stare at the red flower in Sophia's little garden. I'll have a garden one day. My heart quickens up and a smile spread across my face. Zayn and Liam will have a garden one day. A smile spreads across my face and I scream into my hands. I don't even notice Harry walk out and sit on the front steps. I sit down on the curb now and put my head in my hands. 

"Shit. They, they oh my gosh. And they Liam, and oh my. I can't believe this." Harry drops down beside me suddenly. "Oh my- Harry Jesus Christ you scared me. Hi, hello." Harry gives me a grin. 

"What's up buttercup? Something on your mind?" I look at him, light in my eyes. 

"I don't know if I should tell you. I really shouldn't." 

"Well now you have to tell me!" He lets out a laugh that lets me know I can tell him. 

"Okay, promise you won't tell a soul." He nods and sticks out his pinky. "Pinky promise." I mutter out a 'dork' and take his pinky in mine. "So, what's the news?" I smile and let out a breath of air. 

    "Okay so. When you first came up to me Zayn was gonna, but you came first and he was sad. So he ran off and was crying or something. I know I shouldn't have listened, I'm a bad friend. I couldn't help it though. And do you know what I heard?" Harry looked intrigued now. His chin was leaning into his hand and I could tell I had all of his attention. I look around and lean in, placing my hand on his knee. "I heard Liam say 'can I try something?' And just when I was gonna peek, I heard a moan! Harry I, I think they were making out." I say the last part in a hushed tone. "If they get together that would be so cute! But I don't know, maybe it was a drunken thing. I do know that Liam secretly likes guys though. Shit! You can't tell anyone I told you, alright?" 

     "I won't, holy shit. Zayn and Liam? And right after he- woah. Those two would make the hottest couple." I nod my head along to his surprised face. 

    "I know, and they would compliment each other so well." I pause for a moment. "I just can't believe they kissed." Harry looks at me with wonder in his eyes. "What?" 

    "Have you ever been kissed before Lou?" I furrow my eyebrows.

     "W-where did you get that name? My name is Sophie." He shakes his head. 

     "No, you don't feel like a Sophie. It's hard to explain, but let's say I know people in the same situation as you. Except they can take their transition farther. I only assumed you went by Lou because Sophia calls you that." Tears well in my eyes now. I haven't told hardly anyone about that, how could he know? 

     "Where did you even get that? Sophia's been calling me that forever, doesn't mean anything." 

    "No she hasn't." 

    "Yes, she has."   
    
    "She really hasn't, I would know. You wanna know how I know about your identity? I'll tell you straight up." I train my eyes on the ground instead of him. Usually I would stop somebody there, cut them off. All anybody ever does when they find out is make fun of me, so why wouldn't Harry? 

"Hey, Soph, Lou, whatever you'd like to be called listen to me. When I was a freshman at high school, my mother became ill. Not I'll as in a cancer or something like that, but ill in the mind. She went into a deep depression, and she only stayed in her bed. It took two years to get her back on her feet. I spent the last summer in therapy with her actually. That's when I first saw you. I think you were fighting with your mom or something, trying to get her into her appointment. She screamed at you, saying something about 'just because you want to be a guy, doesn't mean you can boss me around' and 'you will never be a man, stop being so demanding about it.' After that you quit coming around as often, stopped wearing jeans as much. It was sad to see that happen, and I wanted to help you. That's why I came back to school this year. I knew my mom would be okay to go on her own by the end of summer so I came back. Tell me for real Sophia, are you transgender?" His story hit me like a bomb. Those summer months were some of the worst of my life, the starting of our family downfall. I don't even process his question until a minute later. He's patient though, something I'm not used to. I decide to answer him. 

"I... Yes, I am" I hang my head down. The tears have already started falling. I know he's not gonna make fun of me, but there's still a chance he will. Instead he slides over right beside me and hugs me close to his chest, letting me sink into him. We sit, silent tears rolling down my cheeks and him running a hand over my back. We don't dare speak, only look off into the distance. I'd like to think we are looking at the same robin hopping about. He stuns me by speaking again. 

"Lou, have you ever been kissed before?" I shake my head against him and look up. "Then can I try something?" I keep my head where it is but look down at his chest. Looking back up, I nod. He kisses me.


	5. Shoulders

Sophie's POV:   
We don't talk about what happened at the party. Zayn and Liam became better friends after that, and I suspect they've been hanging out a lot more. After that confession on the curb Harry and I went back inside and I got drunk. I bet Harry thought I was suppressing memories, and I think I was. Those few summer months tore my life apart, my father finally leaving and in a way, my mother also. I can tell she still hates my gender choice, wants me to be the daughter she's always wanted. I don't get her though, she has Felicite and Phoebe. Why can't she just live out her dream through them? I'm not any special, I'm just me. I deserve to be free to make my own choices. At least Harry supports me. He held me and I told him what's going on. Not even once did he complain. He held me. It was so nice and so refreshing to be understood. We went back into the party after that. It was a wild night and I honestly can't wait for my 19th. Sophia and I throw great parties.Sophia and I throw great parties. Amazing ones. I have to throw a great one, It'll be the last high school party I'll ever throw. Sophia is throwing the end of year one we've decided. Good thing I don't party every weekend, this really tires me out. Now its Sunday morning and I have to pull myself out of bed. Maybe I'll just sit here. It's already 12 o'clock though, so I throw my duvet back and climb out of my warm, safe haven. I throw on jeans and my green flannel. My hair is a mess. I should really cut it. as of right now it reaches down to my waist. I've been growing it out since the beginning of high school, maybe I should switch it up. I take my hair and put it up to my shoulders. Maybe not. Instead I grab a blue and black hat and head downstairs.

There's really nothing to eat here. Well, nothing that can't be made in ten minutes or less. I find myself grabbing my wallet and phone while tugging on my black Vans. I really do love these shoes, definitely worth the 40$. I tug my hat on tighter and start walking down the block to find a McDonald's. 

I find one and step inside to look at the menu. I have twenty pounds, that should be enough yeah? Yeah. As I order my nuggets and fries I spot a certain curly haired lad out of the corner of my eye. After I pay and stand to wait for my meal, I observe him. He's sitting alone, writing in his notebook. The notebook looks so worn, I wonder how long he's had it. The lady behind the counter startles me as she calls my order out and I scramble to retrieve the tray and say thank you. After all, you can avoid manners, can you? 

Harry is alone. I can sit with him right? Right. Deep breath. It's just a boy. Your friend. I sit down across from him. He looks up startled but greets me anyways. 

"Oh hello, fancy seeing you here." He grabs one of my fries. Bastard. 

"Yeah, you too. Didn't know you lived 'round here." I eye him up and he nods his head. 

"Few blocks over actually, took my car down here. It's just quieter here." Now it's my turn to nod. Opening my box of nuggets and chewing on one. We sit in silence for a few moments, him writing and my eating. I watch how his big hands grip the pen. Will my hands be that big when I'm a boy? Will my shoulders broaden like his? Would I grow taller? I'm 5'9 right now, but it would be cool to be taller. "You okay over there?" My eyebrows knit in confusion. "You've stopped eating, look awfully deep in thought." I shake my head as if to shake off my thoughts.

"Yeah, 'm good, just... Thinking. You know? I wonder how I'm going to look when I transition. Surely I'll have to get surgery, and I'll have to take testosterone. Probably have to cut my hair too. And buy new clothes. What if my mom doesn't help me at all? What if I run myself into the ground because I'm stupid and can't be happy in the bod-" Harry places a hand over mine. 

"Darling, you're rambling. Calm down. You won't run yourself into the ground. I'll help you out. I'll always be here, yeah? There's always a bed at my house." I nod and wipe at my blurry eyes. Stupid tears. I take another moment until I look him in the eye. 

"Where do I start?" Harry looks down at where he's holding my hand and then at his notebook. Our eyes meet in the middle and his intense ones pierce my icy ones.

"Let's go get a haircut." His gaze is trained on me and he's slowly nodding his head and I begin nodding mine. 

"Yeah, yeah shit okay. I can do this. But first..." I pull my hand away and pick up a fry. Harry nods in understanding and pulls out his phone. I chew on my fries and watch him. He seems to be calling a friend of sorts. Setting up an appointment. After a minute or so Harry hangs up and steals another fry. 

"Looks like we have an appointment for 2 o'clock and it is 1:23 now. Finish up." I hum along to what he's saying and finish my nuggets. He helps me eat the fries I bought also and I take some of his drink. 

"What the shit is this?" I make a disgusted face and put his drink down. 

"That's Sprite and Fanta combined. You're welcome." Harry gives me a big toothy grin. 

"Weirdo." The green eyed boy just laughs and stands up. I notice how he keeps the notebook in close and bound tightly. I smile and stand up with him, grabbing my tray and putting it up on the trash can. We walk out to his car and he unlocks it with his key. I find myself waiting for him to get in and unlock it from there and smiling. "Quite the advanced car you've got hey?" He just starts it up. 

"Shut up weirdo." We both end up laughing and I turn on the radio as he drives us to wherever the hell this appointment is at. He pulls into a strip mall of about five stores and stops in front of one labeled 'Hair Cutters Anonymous' and I give him a humorous smile. "What? They do good haircuts!" I laugh my way out of the car and into the barber shop. It's quite cute actually. A lady with blonde hair comes up to me and Harry. 

"Hi love! Come to get your hair cut short have you? I'm Harry's friend Perrie." The lady-Perrie-greets me. I shake her hand and smile at her. "Come sit down dear! You are Sophie right? Or is there another name you would like me to call you. I specialize in cutting trans hair. Well it's not a specific area you study, but it is what I do. And since Harry brought you here would I be right to assume this is your 'first step?'" I find myself nodding along to her words. Her voice is really soothing. 

"Yeah, yeah. Louis, actually. That's my, um, name." She puts her hand on both of my shoulders. 

"Good, good. Well Lou, may I call you Lou?" I mutter out yes. "Well Lou, lets wash your hair and kiss your long hair goodbye. It's fairly nice hair though, you've taken great care of it." We strike up a conversation together and I notice Harry sit down behind the counter and pull out his notebook again. Perrie and I chat as she shampoos and then conditions my hair. I haven't had a haircut in so long that it all feels so foreign to me. I let my eyes lull shut as she works her hands around my scalp. One last rinse and she taps my shoulder. 

"Alright darling. Time to cut it all off. Are you ready?" She stands in front of me now and holds out her hand. I take it and stand up, still unsure of the next events. Perrie leads me over to her chair and sits me down. Taking a deep breath, I look over my features. Sharp cheekbones, lightning eyes, surprisingly nice eye brows. Not much for a jaw line I suppose, nothing like Harry. I blink once. Twice. I never realized how beautiful I actually am. It's still not me though, it never will be. This body is more of a... Shell. A defect shell that went to the wrong wearer and now I'm stuck in it. Once more I look at myself in the mirror and nod. 

    "I think I'm ready now..." Perrie nods and Harry looks up from his notebook. I look over at him as he stands up and comes to sit beside me. Perrie nods and starts combing my long hair. Slowly she cuts it all off at my shoulders. Even at this point it's a lot. I already look so different. There must've been a fear in my eyes because Harry looked at my face and then took my hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. I nodded again and she continued cutting, shaving the sides down but not leaving them too short. She trimmed the top and styled it back for me. I waited in silence and I could feel Harry tracing circles on the back of my hand. Finally Perrie whispered 'done' and I looked up. 

    "Oh... Oh my gosh it's so- wow." I looked so different, so... New. My jaw and cheekbones stood out even more. This was... Odd. 

    "How do you feel?" Harry finally spoke. I just shook my head and let out a little laugh. 

    "Weird, but also... Free in a sense I guess. Like there's a big weight lifted off of my shoulders. Metaphorically speaking of course." Now I'm grinning at him and tightening the grip on his hand. Perrie smiled at us. 

     "It's always nice having a boyfriend to support you. Very nice. You too are cute together too." My smile drops and Harry laughs. 

     "Oh we're not dating, no. I'm only a friend here to help." I nod along to Harry's words and Perrie immediately backtracks. 

    "I am so sorry! Oh my gosh, my mistake. Well um. Alright." I laugh and stand up, running a hand along the shaved part. I walk up to the till and pull out my wallet. Her eyes widen and she shakes me off. "Dear, no. This one is on me, don't worry about it." 

    "Are you sure? Not even a bit? You did cut off a long of hair, not to mention really well." Perrie just shakes her head again and shoos me out. 

     "No, I completely refuse your money. Goodbye now. Come back when you need another cut." Shaking my head, I finally wave goodbye to her and Harry and I leave. We sit in the car for a few moments before he starts speaking. 

"I'm really proud of you, did you know that? It's a big thing you did." I nod along with his words. 

"It doesn't feel like a lot. Just feels like I got a haircut." Harry looks over at me and his gaze burns through me. 

"Did you want more?" I turn my gaze to my shoelaces. Of course I want more. Is he stupid? If I had the choice I wouldn't be sitting here with boobs and a vagina. I wouldn't have long lashes and a high voice. But... Is there something stopping me? There very well could be, I never know anymore. 

"Yeah I want more, are you stupid?" Harry goes to speak after me, but I shake my head. "Not now though. I don't know... What I want." He gazed down at the steering wheel. 

"Okay then... But you do know that it's alright to want help, you don't have to do this on your own you know. It must feel tough without your family's support, but she isn't your entire family. You have Sophia and Niall, Perrie now. You also have me. We're here to help, so you don't have to be afraid Lou." I widen my eyes. Is that what I'm so afraid of? Help... Such an odd thing to be scared of. I guess I've always though I've had to do this on my own, it's always been the reality to me. It's all I've known. Harry starts driving before I realize it he's talking again. 

"Let's go home Lou." Every time he says Lou it feels like there's a fire igniting in my soul.


	6. Arms

Sophie's POV:   
I woke up slowly today. This past weekend has been hectic for me and yeah, it was a lot to process. I run my hands through my hair. My hair- what the fuck? Oh yeah. Cut it all off. Feels so freeing now, don't have to do a lot with it. 'S nice honestly. I wonder what else I'll embark on in the near future. What would be the next step? Do I need too surgery? Bottom surgery? Or is it hormones? Shit, I'll need new clothes. I look down. Volleyball shorts and a t-shirt. Who's shirt is this? Confusion washes over me. I don't remember taking anyone's shirt, yet here I am in one that's not mine. Sighing, I stand up and stretch. My daily snapchat from Sophia is here and her puppy is looking cute as ever. I should get a puppy. That would be so friggen cute. I look in the mirror. When did my cheekbones get so sharp? I touch my face lightly. Still look like a girl. I close my eyes and imagine my male body. My body will always be medium height, slightly curvy but maybe more muscle. Definitely something I could live with. I open my eyes again. Time to get ready for school. 

I peel off my shorts but decide to leave the shirt on. Suppose I'll find out who's shirt it is later. It's just a black tee, nothin special about it. I pull on black jeans and sit down to re-lace my shoes. Humming along to the music I put on, I go through my bucket of laces. I choose blue ones that match my eyes. These have always been my favourite pair cause they remind me of the ocean. In a way I'm like the ocean. Always changing and I have so much depth. I am one big mystery apart from what you can see on the surface. There we go, all done. Grabbing my binder and heading out the door, I begin my walk to school. 

Zayn pulls up beside me. I jump a little until I see it is indeed him. He beckons me in and I smile at him. 

"Listen Zayn, I'm really sorry for whatever happened at the party, really. I mean, nothing really happened but you looked at me and was sad so I-" I began rambling but he quickly cut me off. 

"What? No, I wanted to thank you. I mean yeah I was -am- a bit sad about you and Harry but it's whatever. Anyways, I wanted to thank you because that turned into the best night of my life and now I have a boyfriend." Zayn says the last part smugly. A smile spreads across my face and I squeal, clapping my hands together. 

"Oh my gosh that's great! Who's your boyfriend? It it Liam or- Zayn is it Niall? It's Niall! Why didn't that bitch tell me? I'm going to beat his ass." He shakes his head and turns left. 

"No it's not Niall you fuck. It's... It's Liam. And he is very good at kissing." I almost let out a breath of relief. Liam and Zayn. Not Zayn and Niall. Great, because I don't want Niall breaking Zayn's heart. I smile over at him again. 

"That's so amazing. I'm so happy for you! Did you guys kiss at the party? Did you-" I lower my voice. "Did you have sex?" I giggle and look out the window. Zayn is blushing. I can see him out the corner of my eye. He gives a slight nod and I smile brightly at him.

"How cute! That's amazing. I'm so happy for you both." We both fall silent as we listen to the radio. "Sophia's going to be so sad." I let out in a sad tone. 

"Why's that?" Zayn questions. I look over at him with sad eyes.

"She really likes Liam... A lot. And now that you're dating him she'll be heartbroken." Zayn sighs along with me. 

"I'll tell her, Liam and I will tell her." 

"Please don't! She'll be so sad... You can't do that to her." 

"And what? Let her find out when she sees us making out or some shit? Let her find out that you lied to her and told her Liam was straight? You can't closet is like that Sophie!" Zayn bangs his hand on the steering wheel and the car falls silent. I look down at my hands and then out the window. 

"I'm sorry." It comes out a whisper. We both stay quiet as Zayn pulls into the school parking lot. "I'll tell her." Is all I can say as I head out and meet up with my friends. A tear falls down my cheek but I'm quick to wipe it away and approach my friends. Friends. The people that can always make me smile. Then why am I not happy? 

"Hey... Sophia I've got some bad news for you..." Her eyes widen. "Liam, he's..." 

"Gay. Liam Payne is gay. Yeah. I can see that." She references behind me. Looking over my shoulder I can see Zayn crying and Liam holding him. They kiss and hug again. Tears well in my eyes and I turn back to Sophia. "You knew, didn't you? Of course you did. Why didn't you tell me? Huh? Wanted to spare my feelings, didn't you?" 

"I didn't want you to be sad!" 

"Yeah well now I'm sad and angry. You know just because you can change yourself doesn't mean you can't stop people from changing and being gay. You should just stick to being a girl Sophie, you fit the role of backstabbing bitch very well." She shoved past me and leaves me there. I refuse to cry. Niall gives me sad eyes. I turn around. Zayn and Liam aren't there anymore. I head to my locker and see Harry standing there. 

"What do you want." I grumble out. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a good look at my face. 

"You look sad. And angry. Are you alright Lou?" The pet name makes me freeze. Harry must have noticed my hesitation and turns to me, serious now. "Lou. Be honest with me. What happened?" Tears gather in my eyes. I can't cry. But I am. I am because Zayn hates me and Sophia hates me too and nothing will change and I'm just a stupid girl who can't even be brave enough to stand up to my mother. I'm crying because Harry is holding me and nothing will be the same because Sophia will never talk to me again. Harry locks my locker and brings me outside. 

"Ha- Harry the bell- school." He shushes me. 

"Hey, you'll be alright for now. Take care of your mental health first." I laugh because our first class is health science. Then I'm reminded of the shit storm that just happened. 

"She hates me Harry." He plays with my hair. 

"Who hates you?" 

"Sophia." 

"She can't hate you, she's your best friend. You've known each other for a long time." 

"No she does Harry. She hates me because I lied about Liam and now Zayn and Liam are fucking dating and I didn't tell her." He gives me another squeeze. 

"She can't hate you over such a silly thing. Sophia is hurt Lou. She really did like Liam and now she doesn't have a chance. It's not you darling, you were just the first person she saw." I sniffle and more tears stream down my face. 

"Well 's not only that H. She also told me that since I can't change myself I shouldn't try to change anything else. Said I should stick to being a girl because I'm a backstabbing bitch. I just wanted to help." Harry holds me as I sob into his chest on a bench outside. We sit like that as he calms me down and speaks again. I'd like to think he's finding the right words to say. 

"Baby she didn't mean that. People say awful rude things when they're hurting and sad but you can't let them make you sad. Just give it time, okay? It'll get better with time." I nod my head. 

"They always say it'll get better with time, but I don't think anyone actually gets over it. 'S like death. Everyone's only sad after its gone for a day or some shit yet the ones who have the most damage remain sad forever." 

"Wise one, you are." 

"I've been told." He hums at that. Then he starts humming a song. I try to figure out which one it is and then it clicks. My scratchy voice sings out to match his humming. 

"They say she's in the class A-Team, stuck in her daydream. Been this way since 18, but lately, her face seems, slowly sinking. Wasting. Crumbling like pastries, and they scream. 'The worst things in life come free to us.'" Harry joins in actually singing now. "Cause we're just under the upper hand. And go mad for a couple grams. And she don't wanna go outside, tonight. And in a pipe she flies to the motherland, or sells love to another man. It's too cold outside, for angels to fly." We both end off there. The song has meaning to both of us I'm sure, but I'm not sure what it means to him. Could be anything, really. Harry and I sit there for another few minutes until I peel away from him. 

"You good Lou?" He runs his hand through my short hair. 

"I'll be okay." He squeezes my arm. 

"Promise?" I take his hand. 

"Promise." I pull him into another hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ba dup da I'm shit at updating at reasonable times !!!!!!!! Sorry


	7. Wrist

Harry's POV:   
Louis stands there. Broken. He tried so hard to get his mom to listen. She wasn't having any of it. She kicked him out, told him he had thirty minutes to pack his stuff. I got the call in minute one of his storm and rushed over there in minute six. He wasn't crying. I was. In minute 16 Lottie walked in. Lou didn't stop for anyone. He packed his sweatshirts and pills and his shoelaces. I found a backpack and put his hygiene products in it. Minute 23 Lottie left. His room still had the girly duvet, the fancy dresser and the makeup. From minute 25 to minute 27 he stared at it all. Traced his fingers over the lipsticks and the brushes. His touch lingered over his previously favourite lipstick. Then he looked at me and went to his closet. While he was over there I may have grabbed that lipstick. Maybe. Lou only ended up staring at the various dresses and skirts there. He picked up a plaid shirt from the closet and turned to me. Rage and sadness burned in his eyes. He looked around once more and went to a lamp, breaking it. Then a posterboard. I had to drag him out because it was minute 30 and I couldn't let him destroy his life like that. So I carried his backpack and suitcase and his shoelaces. His shoes were already on. Suddenly he turned back around right as we were about to walk out the door. 

    "Fuck you." He seethed, and threw a necklace on the ground. I recognized it as the one his mother gave him a long time ago. Even I couldn't believe he'd done that. It was his most prized possession, he's never let it out of his sight or even taken it off. To see him throw away his love like that was heartbreaking for me. 

    "Lou let's go." I willed my voice not to break. It broke anyways. He turned to me and I nodded my head towards my car out front. Solumly he nodded and took the shoelaces from me. We sat in my car and I drove to my house while he rummaged through the box. Lou ended up pulling out a red pair, frayed at the ends and you could tell they were old. He took out the black ones and neatly tied them together. Once the red ones were in he cried. I stopped in my driveway and just held him. That's all I could do. 

~~~~~~

I woke up in a cold sweat with someone pressed into my side. Nightmare, I had a nightmare. Lou had been kicked out of his house and had thrown his necklace away. I looked down. He was laying beside me. Only one arm was on me and he was still wearing yesterday's clothes. The necklace was around his neck. Louis worries me so much sometimes, because he doesn't like being called Sophie yet he goes with it and I'm afraid he's breaking on the inside and I can't do anything to help. I try to fall asleep again and start playing with Lou's hair. Just as I'm drifting off a phone rings beside me. Louis stirs and wakes up to reach and grab it. His face is unreadable as he clicks answer. 

     "Hello?" The room is so quiet I can hear the other person. 

    "Soph, Soph I'm so sorry for what I said. I didn't mean to and I- I was so scared because you disappeared and I've been trying to call you bu- but you wouldn't answer." Lou sits up fully now. 

    "Wish you could take it back, huh? Well you can't. You said what you said and I said what I said but I can't accept your apology over the phone." I grab Lou's hand and squeeze. He squeezes back. 

    "Sophie I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." 

    "It's not Sophie anymore. You of all people should know this. Goodnight." And with that he ends the call. Sophia tries to ring but Louis just turns off his phone and places it on the bedside table. We sit in silence for a moment. 

    "Sorry for waking you." Is all he says.

    "I was already awake." 

    "Why's that?" He nits his eyebrows and looks up at me. 

    "Nightmare. I'm all good now Lou." He frowns. 

    "What was it about?" I sigh. 

    "A tragically beautiful human being forced to abandon his entire life and family just to be who he truly is." Louis nods. I know he gets it. 

    "Sounds unfortunate. Think I might know who." 

    "Yes you do know who. Get some sleep, it's late." Louis nods and falls asleep again, slowly. I follow soon after. 

~~~~~~  
    I wake up with a small body on my chest. I don't realize who it is at first, they are much softer and curvier than any of my other friends. Then I realize, Lou slept with me last night. I shake him awake. All he does is shake his head and bury himself further into me. I know my alarm will go off soon. Then we'll have to get up. I don't want to though, but it is Tuesday. I card my hand through Lou's hair. It's soft, and the way his eyelashes fall upon his cheeks make him look like an angel. I don't know how to help him fully, I've only gotten so far with my other friend. But he's gone now, off to somewhere greater. I wish I could see him again, but I know that'll never happen. He'll never see me again. 

Louis stirs again and checks his phone. I watch him carefully and trace circles on his leg. His eyebrows nit together as he texts someone. 

"What's up Lou?" He shakes his head at me and bites his nail nervously. We wait a couple more minutes as he messages someone again. 

"Forgot to tell my mom I was here. It'll be fine though, don't worry." I nod and let my head fall back on to the pillow behind my head. Lou pushes himself off of me to get to his book bag. "She's not mad at me for staying, but she is about me skipping. I can't miss anymore classes or else I'll be grounded. What time is it?" I sigh and finally sit up to check the time. My alarm was going to go off in five minutes. 

"6:25. Do you have to be up so early?" Lou just looks at me like I'm a mad man. 

"Are you serious? School starts at 8 and I need to shower. So do you. Where are your shirts?" I give him a tired look and walk over to my dresser. He stands beside me and grazes his hand over the clean pairs of boxers. 

"Do you want to wear a pair?" He shakes his head and I can see his eyes have glossed over. 

"No I just- One day." He sniffles and pulls his hand away. I grab him and hug him. Lou has been through a lot and it's only the beginning. He'll have to deal with stupid questions and ridicule. All of the bathroom laws going around and ignorant people. I'll help him as much as I can but I'm no superman. All I can do is hold him and let him know I'm here no matter what. 

"Thanks you for sticking by me and using my pronouns. It means a lot." Lou whispers into my chest and I kiss the top of his head. I go to speak back but he beats me to it. 

"You're the reason I haven't left yet. But I've been tempted. So many fucking times. Yet you're always there to anchor me down and it's damn nice knowing somebody wants me alive." I hug him harder and we stand there both crying. We hold each other and we cry together because I thought I couldn't help anybody yet I'm standing here holding a boy that needs saving and I'm his saviour. He's crying because he thought there wasn't any hope but here I am doing my best for him. It's bittersweet. 

"I love you so much Lou. Forever and ever." I whisper out and hug him harder. 

"I love you too Harry. Always."


End file.
